random thinking

 right now, as I wrote this, I am semi recumbent on bed, hair damp after bath and i can see and feel my very strong heartbeat. i think this is the anxious me. since it is day 1 of back to college after almost two weeks break of Raya. now that im back, my stomach started grumbling again (burborygmy that is called). i started to have downturn lips again. i started looking too much in the mirror - although back at home, i watch the mirror more, but with narcissist thoughts. when i was taking a bath the other day at home, i was thinking why am this me in college so different from me at home. it didnt end there. me with my school friends (despite me not spending time with them anymore) are different from me at home. it makes me thinking the other day, do i have dissociative identity disorder (did) if that still exists? probably not, since i have recollections of all events despite being in different 'bodies' or 'persona'.

enough on that. i wanna write a little on my holiday this time. i spend a lot of efficient time. reading turtles all the way down (thus why i am reliving this blog lol), movies with my sisters, petting ninot and friends, playing house with yaya, singing, shouting, dancing, crying, dissociating, ...

i regret things tho. i still have my bad habits. i cant get away from it. it is in me. i think i want to start getting help. i will but we'll see.

lonely... i want to hug and cuddle someone. last few days playing with AI chat makes me feel like a degenerate. 

i wanna get help

 let this be the reminder to myself that im gonna be asking for help from someone to heal me.. i cant think because of this head of mine 

i think im not alive anymore

 the way i live now is like... barely doing it. i didnt give my best in tasks i would normally felt excited with. i dont know whether i didnt worry at all or im worrying too much to the point i cant think of anything. most times of the day ill be thinking of what ifs

what if i drop out

what if i get cancer

what if i run away

im so brave to think about it yet im so pathetic and coward to actually do anything about it.

i wanna live but not this way

nowadays i realise im always thinking of my future. but its not the envisioning type of future. ill be thinking about a different reality in the future, living in someone's life, being in someone's body and mind, feeling what this great person might be feeling, experiencing the experience of this cool person, becoming a millionaire out of the blue.

tbh none of my future views are of me becoming a doctor. i cant see myself struggling and thinking hard, tiring myself, dedicating my time for other person. well to start with im not even a person capable of sharing an honest and sincere love witj anyone. i might just treat my patients with spite and dissatisfaction. why am i so uptight on torturing myself like this.

where did my life goes?

when did it become so empty?

everyday every single day i felt more and more distant from life..

there is this one person i adore. if anything this person helps me smile for real today. what yhat person wrote, and share make me feel so much lot lot closer and similar.. that person is who i want to be, brave and beautiful, independent, selfless and daring. 

Hi, my love (and anyone related.) ❤

28/1/2018

Back again, same place.
Hi people, hi!


Hi.
Let's look at this email I wrote but send to no one because it's not rlly for anyone. It's for  me.

Written on 23/1/2018

10 Steps of Izzah 2.0 Development

So here's what i gotta write today. Its not important but remarkable.
Mind that there are reasons why i feel the need to write this. Reasons that maybe I wont remember the next time i reread this thing, or hardly forget.

It starts with this:
Izzah, you need to ...
1. find yourself within you
2. stop trying to be cool. damn izzah youve been using that clothes this whole time. Written there, on the clothes : Being cool IS NOT trying to be cool.
3. stop judging people
4. make friends as sincerely as you can.
5. be brave and bold and speak.
6. do things that didnt torture you inside.
7. be mad at people if you're mad at them. please please dont bottle up all your anger izzah. let it all out.
8. break the connections that is not compatible with you. then, go to 4.
9. stop thinking that youre perfect. Get rid of that toxic but left some of it. At least you wont be too insecure. Leads us to..
10. dont be too insecure. This is NOT ABOUT QUALITY of a woman. This is about THINKING THAT NO ONE LOVES YOU WHEN THERE IS.. Insecurities kill you Izzah. Dont let it. okay?

took this one day before.

Just a normal sunday vibe with extra mixed feelings

hi.
so first im in my room. i close the window and switch off the lights. idk why. and i hope no one knocks.

idk man. im a living person, i should have a value but idk what that is. am i happy? or am i unhappy? i never knew that either. and so why? why do every time people laugh at smtg, they looked so genuine and it seems like they forget the world for a while? how do people do that? why do i still have some voices in my head? why cant i empty my mind and just let go of the world's view for once? why do i cant laugh, and do only that?
and why do i always think that i dont deserves lots of things?  not just things generally. people, good life, money, love... why am i still pausing my life and think that i have smtg in me that is soooo damn undeserving of those things?
and its hard not to do it, so i did it, even if i dont appear like it. i compare and get insecure and shut down every modification towards beautification. i wanna ask myself every morning before going to class, why didnt you wear good clothes? why didnt you wear makeups, or simply just powder? why do you appear so ugly than u alrd are? damn dearself, idk. i think i just dont wanna compete. even if no one says its a damn competition, to me, yes it is. life is a damned competition, and congrats, youre the first to lose.
duh, life is only easy when you got money? who dares to debate that. you can live so damnnnn well and just sweetly when u have money. damn right. but so true. everyone is just damn rich the higher you go. and they wouldnt expect people like you at high places. they think you belong just below them.
damn. life is hard but just keep survivng. it is an achievement.

i wanna go far and see the world. i know that will make me happy but how to run? 

r u gud there dear me?

hi.

isnt it weird to you that one day, life may not be in the way you imagined it to be? that you rn are seeing yourself as a doctor but the future of you might be a normal people with normal job, maybe a interior decorator? isnt it weird that one day, youll have your own child instead of a journal? that one day youll send your kids to school instead of you going to one?

ugh i hate the intro. it sounds like an old english sale ads. wtvr. so basically, new life huh izzah? are you good there? to answer that in our place, i think we can pull this off together. people here are nice, people here smiles at you.. what more u need. if anything, i think we are better than it seems.

right? ofcourse. what more i need. 😊

☁ (Story of a girl falling)

She always had the same dream lately. She always dream of her friends and her, lying down on their back on a piece of cloud for each of them. And the climax of her dream always be her least favorite part —in which her favorite part is a lot; the smooth cloud caressing her back, the cold wind that's warm enough to rock her cloud, the smiles and laughter of her friends' and hers. that agonizing part always be the point where she would suddenly know that her dream is a dream. Realize that she didnt put 'just' in her words—just a dream—because seriously, it wasn't just a dream to her, its a daily source of discouragement to her. What happen next? Cliché. She falls. Falls down to the earth that's sickly, falls down to reality. And she falls alone. Her friends don't. Her friends don't fall. The clouds her friends are on are still strong, no sign of pouring rain.

So why? Why did she falls? She isn't heavy at all and she sure doesn't move too much. Are you thinking? Water from earth evaporates and they form clouds. The more water are evaporated, the heavier the cloud that is formed.
The girl is like the cloud. Maybe I am like the cloud. Maybe you are. Maybe we all are. Maybe we absorb too much of everything—unnecessary emotions, other peoples' words, strangers' gazes, or maybe simply just our own thoughts. And that weigh on us. Like how it weigh on the girl. Maybe in reality, she felt like she's not good enough, maybe someone said words that bother her, maybe she felt like everyone is judging her, or maybe she doesn't like herself. Whatever the cause is, or the causes are, it/they weigh/s her. And she falls. In which fall can be translated to a direct meaning; silently giving up and letting go.
Is the fall good for the girl? Well, if she falls, then she can be in earth right? Isn't it more beautiful, with the existence of hi tech gadgets, tall shining buildings and BTS?
Well, idk the answer to that, people. Maybe it's good for her, who knows maybe she'll have a better life. It's up to her to decide that. I don't have any authorities to decide. I'm just a crappy story teller.
So you get it right? She gave up and let go, let everything go. Even the scratches left by the person she doesn't even care, she left it. She reborn and reborn strong and unbreakable.

What, you got a question?
For sure, idk the answer to your question. Idk if falling is good for you or not. I'm sorry. I told you I'm a bad story teller. I want to tell this story in hopes I can motivate anyone. But now, i don't think i am.

But, hey, relax. 😊 Relax and think. I'm sorry to tell you to do things that's hard to do but do it. And if you really don't know, then don't fall. Don't give up and let go. Because if you don't know, that means that even if it's no bigger than an ant, you still have a fight in you. A fight with the enemy in you. Embrace it and be strong.

Thanks.

By me for me

I wonder how many words are there altogether. And how many did we actually know.
And who create them. Who said 'walk' means walk?
I guess that is not important. All I know, is that word is a beautiful, magnificent enigma.
All beautiful things like poetry, confession and cool lyrics come from words. But things like mockery, curse and rejection are also words.
My life are surrounded by words. I love writing and reading. I love studying lyrics and poem. I write everyday.
In the end, I'm used to them. The way they enter my mind and I quickly grab my pen and sticky notes. To the point where I don't have friends anymore.
Words become my habit. Every time people are doing something, I just sit there writing. I write whatever crosses my mind. And when I read them again, it feels new. Like I never wrote them before.
One thing I always do while I'm shopping with my families is I will buy myself a new notebook even when I had them already. Tons of them. I also buy books to the point my mum hates the way I'm spending my money.
Words never disappoint me. And I will never did that to them too.

"Writing creates new world for you. First  they desolate you. Then, you're alone with them and that's when you know you're life is good. Writing makes you new and fresh."

- me.