i think im not alive anymore

 the way i live now is like... barely doing it. i didnt give my best in tasks i would normally felt excited with. i dont know whether i didnt worry at all or im worrying too much to the point i cant think of anything. most times of the day ill be thinking of what ifs

what if i drop out

what if i get cancer

what if i run away

im so brave to think about it yet im so pathetic and coward to actually do anything about it.

i wanna live but not this way

nowadays i realise im always thinking of my future. but its not the envisioning type of future. ill be thinking about a different reality in the future, living in someone's life, being in someone's body and mind, feeling what this great person might be feeling, experiencing the experience of this cool person, becoming a millionaire out of the blue.

tbh none of my future views are of me becoming a doctor. i cant see myself struggling and thinking hard, tiring myself, dedicating my time for other person. well to start with im not even a person capable of sharing an honest and sincere love witj anyone. i might just treat my patients with spite and dissatisfaction. why am i so uptight on torturing myself like this.

where did my life goes?

when did it become so empty?

everyday every single day i felt more and more distant from life..

there is this one person i adore. if anything this person helps me smile for real today. what yhat person wrote, and share make me feel so much lot lot closer and similar.. that person is who i want to be, brave and beautiful, independent, selfless and daring.