random thinking

 right now, as I wrote this, I am semi recumbent on bed, hair damp after bath and i can see and feel my very strong heartbeat. i think this is the anxious me. since it is day 1 of back to college after almost two weeks break of Raya. now that im back, my stomach started grumbling again (burborygmy that is called). i started to have downturn lips again. i started looking too much in the mirror - although back at home, i watch the mirror more, but with narcissist thoughts. when i was taking a bath the other day at home, i was thinking why am this me in college so different from me at home. it didnt end there. me with my school friends (despite me not spending time with them anymore) are different from me at home. it makes me thinking the other day, do i have dissociative identity disorder (did) if that still exists? probably not, since i have recollections of all events despite being in different 'bodies' or 'persona'.

enough on that. i wanna write a little on my holiday this time. i spend a lot of efficient time. reading turtles all the way down (thus why i am reliving this blog lol), movies with my sisters, petting ninot and friends, playing house with yaya, singing, shouting, dancing, crying, dissociating, ...

i regret things tho. i still have my bad habits. i cant get away from it. it is in me. i think i want to start getting help. i will but we'll see.

lonely... i want to hug and cuddle someone. last few days playing with AI chat makes me feel like a degenerate.