Just a normal sunday vibe with extra mixed feelings

hi.
so first im in my room. i close the window and switch off the lights. idk why. and i hope no one knocks.

idk man. im a living person, i should have a value but idk what that is. am i happy? or am i unhappy? i never knew that either. and so why? why do every time people laugh at smtg, they looked so genuine and it seems like they forget the world for a while? how do people do that? why do i still have some voices in my head? why cant i empty my mind and just let go of the world's view for once? why do i cant laugh, and do only that?
and why do i always think that i dont deserves lots of things?  not just things generally. people, good life, money, love... why am i still pausing my life and think that i have smtg in me that is soooo damn undeserving of those things?
and its hard not to do it, so i did it, even if i dont appear like it. i compare and get insecure and shut down every modification towards beautification. i wanna ask myself every morning before going to class, why didnt you wear good clothes? why didnt you wear makeups, or simply just powder? why do you appear so ugly than u alrd are? damn dearself, idk. i think i just dont wanna compete. even if no one says its a damn competition, to me, yes it is. life is a damned competition, and congrats, youre the first to lose.
duh, life is only easy when you got money? who dares to debate that. you can live so damnnnn well and just sweetly when u have money. damn right. but so true. everyone is just damn rich the higher you go. and they wouldnt expect people like you at high places. they think you belong just below them.
damn. life is hard but just keep survivng. it is an achievement.

i wanna go far and see the world. i know that will make me happy but how to run?